Today is my 19th bday! It's also the one year anniversary of me being clean of drugs =]

Last year on my 18th birthday I saw one of my good friends overdose at my birthday party and since seeing that I decided to get clean. It was the biggest reality check I've ever had, and for the most part it worked. I've grown up around drugs my whole life. I grew up in the city where everybody struggled and drugs were their comfort, it's what got them through the day. Kids usually took two paths; They turned to gangs for protection and belonging or they turned to drugs for comfort and an ease of pain. In my neighboorhood it's just natural for kids to grow up and do drugs or commit crime. Well as for me as you can tell I turned to drugs. I started doing drugs when I was about 11 years old. Which looking back it almost makes me sick thinking that an 11 year old kid would be involved in that kind of stuff. I started doing it about a year after my sister died. I got really depressed and well drugs made me feel good. She did a lot of drugs too so in some sick way I felt connected to her in that way. Every bad feeling that I had, or any sadness was instantly cured by these magical things that made me feel like I couldn't be touched. They made me feel like my whole family could die and I would still be okay. I was on top of the world. Even better yet I owned the world.  I went on like that for a while. I started off with the softer drugs, like everybody naturally does. Then gradually I moved on to bigger and better things. Then high school started. High school was my dream come true. A place where other people like me, people who were addicted to drugs, could come together for 7 hours of the day. Let's just say it seemed to work out for me pretty well at first. Then as I became more addicted and more isolated things got worse. I got to the point where I was never clean. Every moment of every day I was high. I had completly forgotten what it felt like to be normal. This reflected very much on my early high school years. I got in trouble pretty much everyday at school. I was either not paying attention, talking, falling asleep, or starting fights with people. Naturally my parents started suspecting that I was doing drugs after a while. My mom would constantly test me for drugs, but I was smooth enough that she never caught me. So instead of constantly trying to bust me my mom took a new approach. She decided that we should move to the suburbs.  As good as that sounded in her head, it had the complete opposite effect. Kids in the suburbs were unexperienced, curious, and rich. This was the perfect playground for me and my problems.

I wrecked havoc on the small town that we moved to. And once again this was reflected in my life. I did horribly in school. When I was in grade school and middle school I had always been very smart. I made all of the advanced classes, taught kids that were older than me, and impressed all of my teachers with my love of learning. I had this life long dream of becoming a lawyer. I was stubborn, witty, and I loved to argue. It seemed like all of this could be achievable back then but all of that potential ended up in a teenage girl who was depressed, addicted, and lost. Even though it is selfish for me to admit the biggest thing I regret about my addiction is the fact that I ruined myself. Even though I hurt people around me, I still can't accept the fact that I gave up on myself. I could of made it somewhere. I know I still have time because i'm only 19, but the damage for the most part has been done. Those dreams of back then on the playground are no longer in reach and it's all my fault.

After my friend passed away, however, I finally realized that my fate could very well be exactly where he ended up. He was a casual drug user.  I was an addict. I dreamed about drugs. I would hurt for drugs. And yet he was the one who died. In a weird way I almost felt guilty when he died. I felt like good people like him shouldn't have to die that young. He was doing drugs, which was wrong, but at the same time he had no intention but to have a good time. As for me drugs meant getting through the day, it meant being able to block out reality, it meant not having to feel any emotion that hit me. I should of been in his shoes. I should of had to pay for the damage that I had done to the world.

This past year has been the worst and best year of my life. It feels good to know what it's like to live again. To not only think of the next time when you're gonna get drugs, when you're gonna do them, etc. I no longer hurt those around me. I no longer hurt myself.  Deep down inside, however, a part of me misses it. Drugs were who I was for 7 years. It was my own stereotype that I put on myself. Durgs described my past, present, and future. They described every part of me. It may sound crazy but it's almost like I lost a friend. I can no longer go to them when I feel sad or depressed. I have to find other outlets for my pain. Almost everyday of my life I'm tempted to pick up those drugs and once again feel that feeling of euphoria. I know I have to be strong though. I finally have to face myself when I get up in the morning instead of facing my addiction.

Urgh. So I haven't written a blog in a few days because I've been dealing with some friend issues as of late. They've actually been going on for a while but the reality of it all just kind of hit me. Anyways my two best friends from school are fighting. Not just dumb crap either, like one despises the other one to the extreme. It's all over some stupid boy too which is the most ridiculous part. Even though I love them both I'm not on either of their sides because well to be honest I don't agree with what each of them did (long story!).

Basically it's just been bugging me because i hate when people fight. Especially two people who were extremely close and then they let some dumb crap come between them. I mean come on! Friends (and family) are all anybody has...you can't just let them go like that! I just don't understand how you can care about somebody so much and then just give up on them like that. that's just a slap in the face of friendship. It makes me so angry for some reason. I mean I understand that one of them would be angry with the other for a while. But you can't be mad forever. Get over it. Jeez. God i'm so cold hearted hahaha. But you know what I mean.

What happened to good old fashioned peace and love?

I would pick to give one of my best friends Stephanie confidence. She's one of the most amazing people I know. She's brilliant, funny, gives amazing advice, and beautiful. She's one of the best friends that I've ever had. I can go to her for anything. The only flaw that she has is that she doesn't believe in herself. I try and tell her all the time that she's amazing and beautiful but she doesn't believe it. I think if she had the confidence that she should then she could really make it somewhere in life and do the things I know that she can do =]

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